


Talking Out of Our Asses

by AllAboardLarry (Lia_dAun)



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Banter, Canon Compliant, Declarations Of Love, Established Relationship, Fluff, Friendship/Love, Humor, M/M, Married Couple, Married Life, Sexting, Smut, Texting, a bit of, is sexting still smut?, through
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-01
Updated: 2017-06-01
Packaged: 2018-11-07 13:20:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11059833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lia_dAun/pseuds/AllAboardLarry
Summary: Lou ❤:Hey babyI love you so much:)Harry:Louis.Babe.Did you break one of my art again?~ + ~ + ~ + ~ + ~ + ~The non-AU where we’re privy to some cute everyday texting between Louis and Harry.





	Talking Out of Our Asses

**Author's Note:**

> Hello. :)
> 
> Here's the first chapter of texts. I don't know how many there will be. This could go on forever. I mean, it's non-AU. Can Louis and Harry be together forever? Yes, I believe they can. So this could very well be updated forever as well. But don't worry, they'll all be one-shots. If you read chapter one and then jump to chapter 377 (which will be available in the future, thank you), that will be perfectly alright. What I mean to say is, don't worry about the possibility of me disappearing and you being left hanging. I've been there and it sucks. But each chapter will feel like an end, okay? :)
> 
> Oh, and it's texting, you can read it pretty quickly! So it doesn't hurt to try, right? Go on, please, I think you'll like it. :D
> 
> Four other things:
> 
> 1\. "Lou ❤" is how Louis' contact is saved on Harry's phone, and "Hazza" is how Harry's contact is saved on Louis' phone. I don't know if the heart symbol will be visible for everyone, but it works for me. I hope it will for you. Because it's cute. Like Louis. ❤❤❤  
> 2\. I'm writing just the texts, so you have to imagine yourself how these sap idiots are acting while reading and writing the texts. I'd say it's simple, if you're smiling, the boy reading the text is probably smiling too. Just be careful, there will be A LOT of banter. Don't think they mean everything they text, please! :) Just keep in mind they love each other very sickeningly much and roll with the bantering.  
> 3\. I hate most texting lingo. I use some and the boys will too, but please don't expect "u" instead of "you" and things like that, please! I mean, we have big screens, big keyboards and spellcheck on our phones now, so there's no trouble writing a whole word most of the time. I don't believe Harry texts "r u ok?", and Louis... might? But I still don't think so, so I'm doing Louis how he is on Twitter. Alright?  
> 4\. There will be one specific spelling mistake this first chapter that was done on purpose. So don't be scared, please. I cringe when I see it elsewhere, so I wouldn't blame you for cringing too. :) I'm just warning so the fierce guardians of the English language won't scoff and bolt as soon as they read it! :o
> 
> So that's it, I'll shut up now. Hope you enjoy it. :D

**Lou** **❤** **:**

_Hey baby_

_I love you so much_

_:)_

 

**Hazza:**

_Louis._

_Babe._

_Did you break one of my art again?_

 

**Lou** **❤** **:**

_Oh wow_

_So this is how it is , huh ?_

_Not only you don’t say you love me back , but I get accusations instead_

_I see_

 

**Hazza:**

_Lou._

_You know I love you anyway, even if you accidentally broke something again._

 

**Lou** **❤** **:**

_What if I broke it on purpose ?_

 

**Hazza:**

_I would still love you even if you purposely broke everything in the house._

_I’d be a little mad. And probably worried about your mental health._

_But I’d still love you like you were a perfectly lovely husband who never broke things._

 

**Lou** **❤** **:**

_Okay , first_

_I’m a perfectly lovely husband_

_Even if I break shit now and then_

_Second , a husband who never breaks anything doesn’t seem so perfectly lovely to me , but perfectly boring_

_And stupid_

_And you deserve better than a stupid boring husband , believe me_

_Oh , and third_

_I’m a perfectly lovely husband_

_And you’re a little shit_

 

**Hazza:**

_So first and third are the same._

 

**Lou** **❤** **:**

_No they aren’t the same , Harold , there were different complementary sentences to each one_

_And you’re such a little shit_

_Go find you’re ideal polite well-behaved angelic do-gooder stupid new husband_

 

**Hazza:**

_But, Lou, you’re all of those things to me._

_Polite and well-behaved, well, not all the time, but you are too._

_Angelic, of course. Angelic eyes, angelic voice, angelic arse._

_Do-gooder, obviously. Philanthropist and you’re always helping everybody we know. And you know, there’s all the good you do to me. :)_

_Last but not least, you’re endearingly stupid, like right now, telling me to go look for a new husband because you’re annoyed._

_So for all of those reasons and because you **are** a perfectly lovely husband (I never said you weren’t, you idiot), the best even, I’d like to keep you, please._

 

**Lou** **❤** **:**

_Oh my god_

_You’re such a sap_

_Alright , you can keep me_

_But only because you didn’t fall into my trap_

 

**Hazza:**

_Your trap was very obvious, baby. Of course I wouldn’t fall for it._

 

**Lou** **❤** **:**

_What !_

_How was it obvious ?!?_

 

**Hazza:**

_Because you use a lot of expletives on a daily basis (not so much with me because I make you soft) and you insist on adding a space before punctuation, but your English is actually quite good._

 

**Lou** **❤** **:**

_“Your English is actually quite good”_

_Why , thank you , happy not to disappoint your high standards so much , you posh twat_

_And how dare you , you don’t make me soft_

_The pretentious little shit_

_If you made me soft would I call you a pretentious little shit ?_

_So there , Harold_

 

**Hazza:**

_Do you really want to get into this argument with me?_

_With **me**?_

_Because I’ve got heavy ammo and you know it._

 

**Lou** **❤** **:**

_Ha !_

_Do you think you scare me , little kitten ?_

 

**Hazza:**

_Okay, exhibit one:_

_Just this morning, you, Louis Tomlinson, who is definitely **not** a morning person, snuck out of the room at six am so you could surprise me with homemade pancakes._

 

**Lou** **❤** **:**

_That doesn’t prove anything_

_My body just decided to wake up , I couldn’t do anything_

_And I was bored_

_Decided to try and improve my cooking techniques_

_My actions had nothing to do with your conceited arse_

 

**Hazza:**

_The pancakes were heart-shaped, Lou._

_The strawberries too._

 

**Lou** **❤** **:**

_No they weren’t_

_Your big ego made you imagine things_

_Exhibit one is pretty shit , if you ask me_

 

**Hazza:**

_Exhibit two:_

_You brought them to me in bed, woke me up with a kiss, fixed my hair, kissed me again._

_There was freshly squeezed orange juice, even though you say it’s a waste of time since the one you like to buy tastes the same._

_(And no, it does not.)_

 

**Lou** **❤** **:**

_Oh , so you’re just gonna keep using things from the same occasion ?_

_Lazy work , Mr. Styles_

 

**Hazza:**

_There was a beautiful pink lily and there were none in our garden last I checked, so you went through the trouble of getting it some other way._

_Oh, and the heart-shaped strawberries on the heart-shaped pancakes were forming the letters H and L._

_You are a sap as well, Louis Tomlinson. Might even be worse than me._

_I rest my case._

 

**Lou** **❤** **:**

_Your case is stupid and irrelevant and stupid_

_Shut up_

 

**Hazza:**

_And you’re the cutest most adorable sore loser in the whole world. :)_

_A sore loser who is a sap._

 

**Lou** **❤** **:**

_Shut up , Harry_

 

**Hazza:**

_A sore loser who is a sap made soft by me._

 

**Lou** **❤** **:**

_Harry , I swear to god_

_If you don’t stop talking shit I’m gonna shove that poor unfortunate pink lily up your arse when I get home_

 

**Hazza:**

_Heeeeeeey!_

_It’s my lovely pink lily. You gave it to me and you can’t take it back, it’s mine and I love it very much._

_You can shove something else up my arse, though._

 

**Lou** **❤** **:**

_HAROLD_

_FUCK_

_I walked myself right into that , didn’t I_

 

**Hazza:**

_Yes, thank you for the opening, but I’m serious now._

_I’ll give you an opening too._

 

**Lou** **❤** **:**

_HARRY SHUT THE FUCK UP_

_GOD_

_There are people here , I can’t get a boner now !_

 

**Hazza:**

_Okay, sorry. :(_

 

**Lou** **❤** **:**

_You’re not really sorry , are you_

 

**Hazza:**

_Of course not. You’re the one who made me think of things up my arse, and now I want you very much in it. Your fault. So if you get hard, that’s your fault as well._

 

**Lou** **❤** **:**

_Baby , fuck , don’t make hard **and** guilty , that’s not nice_

 

**Hazza:**

_Just, how long till you’re home?_

 

**Lou** **❤** **:**

_An hour , at least_

 

**Hazza:**

_Louiiiiiiiiiiis!_

_That’s too long. :(_

 

**Lou** **❤** **:**

_Baby_

_I’m sorry_

 

**Hazza:**

_Hurry, please. :(_

 

**Lou** **❤** **:**

_Fuck , we were fine just minutes ago , look what you did now_

 

**Hazza:**

_You did it._

 

**Lou** **❤** **:**

_Well , how was I to know you’d be horny just at the mention of shoving up your arse !_

 

**Hazza:**

_!!!!!!!!_

_It was you mentioning it, Lou. If other people mention it in passing, I might be indifferent, but it was yooou. :( So yeah, you should have known._

 

**Lou** **❤** **:**

_You’re such a baby sometimes_

 

**Hazza:**

_I’m your baby and I neeeeeeeeeeeeeed yooooooooooou_

 

**Lou** **❤** **:**

_Baby , I’ll be as fast as I can_

_Go read a book while you wait_

 

**Hazza:**

_Read a book!_

_You can’t tell, but I’m scoffing real hard right now._

 

**Lou** **❤** **:**

_Of course I can tell , that was the intention and I always succeed_

_:)_

 

**Hazza:**

_Louis._

 

**Lou** **❤** **:**

_Babe , I’ve gotta go , or this will be much longer_

 

**Hazza:**

_Okay._

_Bye. Love you._

 

**Lou** **❤** **:**

_Love you , see you in a bit !_

 

**Hazza:**

_In a bit, I wish. :(_

 

**Lou** **❤** **:**

_Patience , young Harold_

 

**Hazza:**

_Oh, wait! So what did you do?_

 

**Lou** **❤** **:**

_What ? When ?_

 

**Hazza:**

_Earlier, when you suspiciously said you loved me so much, out of the blue. I wasn’t home yet when you said it, but now I’m looking and I don’t see anything out of the ordinary. Nothing broken. Nothing in the rubbish bin._

 

**Lou** **❤** **:**

_Oh !_

_You little shit , so you still think there was an ulterior motive !_

_And you actually looked to see if I broke anything !_

 

**Hazza:**

_So you just felt like saying you loved me oh so much?_

 

**Lou** **❤** **:**

_Yes , you idiot , I was here without you , and I started missing you , and thinking of you , and someone said they wanted popcorn , and I remembered that time you were trying to convince Doris popcorn come from within the corn kernel you were showing her , even though she’s too little to understand what you were explaining and you should’ve just made her the bloody popcorn already , but you are you , and you thought you should try and teach her the mysteries behind popcorn_

_And sometimes it just hits you out of nowhere , you know , the massive amount of love_

_So yes , I simply felt the need to express it , you little suspicious bean_

 

**Hazza:**

_Aw, Lou. :)_

_I know how it is, I get hit fairly often too. Square in the heart._

_And I told you you were a sap, thank you for providing further evidence to prove me right._

 

**Lou** **❤** **:**

_Oh , fuck you , Harry_

 

**Hazza:**

_I would, but I’d rather you do it, that’s why I’m waiting for your slow arse._

**Lou** **❤** **:**

_FUCK YOU AND SHUT UP_

_YOU BIG SHIT !_

_BYE_

**Author's Note:**

> Oh, these two! ❤ How is not every single person in the world a larrie? Beats me.
> 
> So, fellow larrie, did you like it? If you did, subscribe to the story, please, so you won't miss the next texts. :)
> 
> Thank you for reading. If you would like to leave prompts for future texting, feel free to comment. Oh, and you can also comment just to tell me other things as well, of course! :D Bye, see ya!


End file.
